I’m not sure whether I actually can’t speak my mind, or whether I just keep telling myself I can’t. I tell myself things everyday, over and over again. I constantly tell myself stories. I have ideas about who I am, who I’m supposed to be, how people are supposed to see me, and the same thoughts towards every person I come into contact with every damn day.
All day long, it’s just a continuous hassling of my mind. My thoughts are constantly taunting me, like a bully picking on a little kid. “You shouldn’t say what you think, you’re shy. What if they don’t understand you? What if you forget what you were going to say in the middle of it? What if they think that’s a stupid idea? You’re better off just not talking.” And I listen to it. I put up with it. I let the thoughts take over and consume me, and I turn into the little kid cowering in the broom closet. I can’t just let myself be, I have to ask my ego first, to make sure my actions are okay, and if I forget to ask, I have to meticulously analyze that action. “Did I look awkward when I smiled at that person? Did they think I was weird?”
Not only do I analyze my own actions, I have to analyze the actions of everyone around me as well. “Why did she look at me like that? I probably have something in my teeth. Why didn’t they invite me to go out to eat with them? They must think I’m dull.” My ego thinks that the entire world is out to get me, and I can’t seem to convince her differently.
I don’t know how to just be, and it kills me. I can’t give up on the stories I tell myself. If I do, then I won’t know who I am. I won’t know who other people are. I’ll be completely lost. What am I saying? I’m already completely lost.
God, please consider this a formal request. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
You asked for an answer from God, and I sort of consider myself divine, so here goes:
You are not a loud person. You are not an annoying person. There is nothing good about being loud and annoying, except that it makes other loud and annoying people like you. Anyone who thinks you are weird, etc, isn’t worth thinking about. Maybe some people consider you weird, but it’s just because they are so dull they can only understand dullness. So, in conclusion, be yourself. Except maybe alter your music taste a bit. And, I will be in oklahoma in 3 or 4 weeks. We can go to Little Caesars!