I have officially been to two baby showers now. Two terrible, awkward, and humiliating baby showers.
I know it doesn’t make sense. But it’s true.
Amy + Baby Shower = Terrible Experience. It’s a formula, it never fails.
Let me share with you my humiliation. Would you like to hear? I thought you might.
Baby Shower #1 :
On a nice summer day, like any other day, I logged onto my facebook and shortly discovered that my best friend from high school was with child and wanted me to come to her baby shower. “Oh how lovely,” I thought. “How perfect it will be to see all of my old friends from high school!” No, that’s a lie. It was more like this, “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!” So I called my friend Ally and begged her to come with me. It didn’t take much begging, since Ally loves a good baby shower, or at least a glimpse into the lives of high school has beens. And so we went. The shower took place at the surrey hills neighborhood pool, a place where I spent a good chunk of my high school summers. We very awkwardly arrived and attempted to mingle with old faces…
me: “Hello there! Haven’t seen you in a while…. er.. I brought these diapers! Did you know that Selma Hayek saves a baby everytime you buy these diapers?…. I just love those commercials!”
person i barely talked to in high school: “cool.” (walks away)
So, it got off to a bad start. I gave it a few more tries though and talked to a couple of people that I actually had more than 4 conversations with… but of course, it was so painfully awkward. I tried to help out (because nothing beats awkward tension like hanging up streamers), but I was denied. Soon, I discovered the theme of the party. The punch on the table was not regular baby shower punch, it was trash can punch. And sitting next to the punch was a big batch of jello shots, and a plate of falafel (this is what happens when you let 21 year olds throw baby showers). So, I grabbed Ally, a few jello shots, some falafel, and a glass of trash can punch, and headed over to the corner to quietly lurk.
The corner was good at first. I inhaled everything and the words started coming out more freely. But it didn’t really work, it was a lie. For the first time, alcohol did not cure my awkwardness. So, I decided to get some more punch. I went away from my corner to fill my cup and of course…. I spilled red trash can punch all over myself.. and a few baby gifts..
The rest of the shower was a blur. I wanted to leave and then die, or jump in the pool and scream underwater, then die. She opened her baby gifts.. her red, trash can punch ruined baby gifts. I cringed, but sat there and watched. I oh so painfully sat there and watched, with a front row seat I might add. Finally, after all of her gifts were opened, it was my perfect chance to escape. I wished her farewell and ran. I ran away from that high school reunion, and vowed to never, ever go back.
Oh what a memory. I will write the other one later. I need to go hide in my bed now.
Sounds like a fun time.